Can you see it?

Can't you see in my eyes that there is something tearing me apart.
My eyes well up with tears in times of silence, and solitude.
I see who you are, who you were, who I wish we could be.
Once, deep down I felt you were true, and all my feelings were safe in your hands.
There was no question that you were genuine, and full of love and possibility. 
Once I thought you really were the only one. 
Now, I am hurt. My heart aches every moment, and you created a fear that I can never shake. 
This black ink spot on my heart bled, as you continued to write your own rules.
I spilled my words to you, and you ignored my admiration and sorrow.
One bleak day.. I needed you.
I needed you more than I thought possible. My life was trapped in a dark hole.
You didn't dig me out. You buried me. 
Can you see it?
I have not forgotten. I have not healed. I have not been loved.
I desire you. Why did you not desire me. My feelings never faded, and your loves colors leak into a clear lifeless water. 
I my one. I miss my confidence. I miss your love.

Former Hopeless Romantic.

  As I get older, I realize more and more how rare it is to come upon a truly genuine person. I once use to go by the policy: Trust until someone has given you a reason to no longer trust them, and then give them a second chance afterward. So broken trust, and 11 chances later, I think I realize I was looking at this particular situation through rose colored lenses, and a little too much faith in humankind. No, I am not bitter, no I am not Anti- love. I am anti- putting up with people's bull shit :)
I understand everyone has their flaws, everyone makes mistakes, and hey a lie every once and while happens. But when you start doing it all the time, and you can feel good about what you are doing, and avoid keeping your promises, hurt people imensely and continue to find ways to justifying what you are doing and tell yourself that you have some sort of reason... there is something really horribly, and horrifyingly wrong with the way you are thinking.

The result of being that kind of person is destroying other peoples outlook on the world, ability to show feeling, ability to persue love and there overall happiness with themselves.
I guess my personal rules of life are: PEOPLE COME FIRST. I don't care what is going on in your life, but nothing can be more important than people you love. I will always put the people who are there for me, and need help first. When you really care about someone, give them your all, don't make them sit there and pour their heart out to, and let them give you things that you know that you cannot give in return, if that is the case, accept the situation and let that person be happy. Let them move on. And if you care enough you will be honest, trustworthy and loving towards that person.

 The second someone genuine comes into my life, I will be a happy woman. I am giving up on petty, immature soul-less people. Life is too short to spend it on people to don't really care about you. It isn't about looking for someone. If that genuine person truly does exist, somehow they will appear in my life, and I will know it. Someday I hope that person will come, and giving someone the truest me wont feel so frightening. For now I will try to be open minded, and positive. Because In the end that is the the thing I want the most.

Man's Best Friend.

Have you ever been to the humane society? About once a week after high school I would stop by on my way home from school and I would always head strait to the dog room. I didn't stop by to look for a new dog, or admire a favorite. My goal was to go around and pet every single dog there, give them a few minutes and talk to them. Not like psycho baby talk to animals bullshit, but just say hello to them and make them feel comfortable with me. I walked along the cages every week and it hurt to think that most of these animals had been abused, or lacked love from their previous family. If they were young, already started out life alone, but most we left to live for a short time because they were of the chosen few to be adopted. Next time you are at the Humane Society make sure to say hello and give a little of your time to them. I will continue to for the rest of my life as I visit again. 

Hobbies, we all have them.

Since I've began college, I have been obsessed with writing letters. I don't know why, It's like I get a rush when I open my mailbox and there is a letter addressed to me! Unfortunately, you can only expect so many letters back from your friends and family. With everyone being so busy, and most of my recipients being in college as well, and wishing to spend their spare time on other things, I found myself an outlet :) 

 I am now a member of a website called: www.postcrossing.com

 This website connects people from countries around the world. The deal is that you are allowed access to 5 addresses picked at at random from a country you do not live in, and you are to write out a post card and send it to them. When you update your account, and show you have sent a postcard to the person you are assigned, then someone will send one to you! On your account you can make requests for what type of post card and/ or information you'd like to receive. I'd have to say it's pretty cool. I'm getting my post cards tomorrow and starting my new hobby!! On my account I have asked people to send me details and names of their favorite places to go in their city or country so I too one day can possibly experience them as well! 

 I can't wait to get my first postcard :)

The wheels on the bus.

Have you ever stared out the window, lost in thought, observing all of your surroundings. All of a sudden something beautiful catches your eye, and for the rest of the day this small occurrence is burned into your mind. I was sitting on the bus just one ordinary day, passing by Walker, and all this meaning came from this short phrase on a faded brick wall.

Things I love right now....

INFINITY LOOP SCARFS

LACE TIGHTS

ERBERT AND GERBERT'S

DECORATIVE TREES

TRASHY ROMANCE NOVELS

MY RECENT DREAMS

Fantasy Man.

         


         Ever felt like a song summed up exactly how you are feeling? 
      
   I feel lost putting myself into something that has no real meaning. I'm searching for someone and a feeling that seems impossible. A Fantasy. I feel ashamed, I've experienced enough to know better. I'm letting my emotions drive my passions, and my wants. 


  " And if everything is measured by the hole it leaves behind, then this mountain has been leveled and there's no more diamonds in the mine." 


  This want has blinded me to an unreasonable amount. I'm in the dark playing roulette. Stepping back and accepting what I want isn't going to find me, and I cannot find it, is more difficult than any other battle I could fight. Maybe forgetting it will give me a chance, or a long deserved kindness. 


       But as hopeless and pointless it all may be, songs don't sound any less sweet, and that look you see in someones eyes when they're with someone else doesn't make me any less hopeful, and envious. Maybe I'll see eyes like that staring back at me.